Curiosity Killed the Craving (and the Bingeing)

I used to binge on cookies.

Giant peanut-butter chocolate-chunk cookies. 

Each binge was followed by relentless self-attack and self-loathing...feelings of guilt, shame and weakness....and, of course, promises to never ever do it again.

Yet, somehow, despite my best intentions, I’d find myself right back in the same place days later. Standing in my kitchen in the dark shoving cookies in my mouth. Crumbs scattered on my shirt. Chocolate smeared across my face. Belly beyond stuffed.

I haven’t binged like that in years. 

I no longer experience such intense cravings.

It’s not because I have tremendous willpower.

It’s because instead of beating myself up, I became curious.

Instead of shouting at myself, “You have no self-control, you suck!,” I started gently asking myself, “Hey, what’s this all about? What’s going on here?”

By pausing and becoming compassionately curious, I was able to cultivate greater awareness for why I was doing what I was doing. 

Stillness coupled with expanded awareness is far more powerful than willpower. 

Often, before we can say "no," we have to understand why we say "yes." Every action has a positive intention and every action is to fulfill a need. 

When I finally understood what was driving my compulsion—a rigid diet, false persona, pleasure deficiency—and the deeper needs I was trying to meet, my binge eating ended. 

I stopped focusing on keeping sweets out of reach and started focusing on fulfilling my unmet needs and desires. When I quit depriving myself of food and the life I longed for, I no longer relied on cookies to give me something they were never meant to.

How can you bring more compassionate curiosity to your relationship with food?

Bye Bye TV, Gossiping and Body Bashing

Are you a lover of learning? 

I am. 

My curious mind and insatiable appetite for knowledge coupled with my deep desire to support my clients in living the best life possible means I’m constantly absorbing new information and learning fresh ways to help others thrive. 

Most recently, I embarked on a yearlong journey to obtain my certification in positive psychology, the scientific study of individual and societal happiness and flourishing. 

As a part of my training, I flew to the East Coast for a weeklong immersion in March. While killing time at an airport bookstore, I spent a few moments scanning the covers of women and men's magazines (e.g., fashion, fitness, health, etc.). I was quite disturbed and saddened by what I saw. 

The extreme exploitation and objectification of women reminded me of why I stopped reading these magazines (along with celebrity pubs) years ago. I don't like their negative messaging—mainly that a woman’s value lies in her youth, beauty, body shape and sexuality. Nor do I like the feelings of inadequacy and deficiency they are designed to provoke. I don't want to waste my time and pollute my mind with them.

Bye Bye TV, Gossiping and Body Bashing
I’ve made other changes over the years to diminish the negativity in my life so that I can preserve my energy for more fulfilling, positive pursuits. For example:

• I limited my news exposure (research has found that people who frequently tune into the news have higher levels of stress, anxiety, fear and pain)
   

• I discontinued watching TV, with the exception of an occasional program that is super inspiring and/or informative, like Oprah's Super Soul Sunday or a PBS documentary
   

• I stopped viewing violent movies 
   

• I greatly reduced my complaining, gossiping and judging 
   

• I quit speaking negatively about my body to others and myself 

Of course, some of these changes were easier than others. I’d much rather read a good book than watch TV. And some were more challenging, like no longer criticizing my body.

As a result of ridding these toxins from my world, I feel incredibly lighter and more balanced, relaxed, peaceful and joyful. And, well, much more positive.

How Does Negativity Contaminate Your Life?
Take a moment to do this quick negativity inventory:

• What sources of negativity contaminate your life?
   

• How are they impacting your health and wellbeing?
   

• What steps can you take to remove or reduce them?
   

• Which one can you start addressing immediately?
   

• How will you feel when you decrease your toxic load?

I've also taken numerous actions to boost the positivity in my life, like keeping a daily gratitude journal. We'll dive deeper into positivity boosters another time.

Why I Couldn't Stop Eating Conversation Hearts

Valentine's Day reminds me of a time in my life when I couldn’t be left alone with a bag of conversation hearts without eating every single one of those pastel sugar bombs. And, thanks to handfuls of those cutely packaged Valentine’s Day mini candy bars, February afternoons at my corporate gig became much more bearable.
 
Of course, my sweet tooth didn’t rear its demanding, insatiable head just in February. Bingeing on sugary treats was a year-round occurrence back then. Eating them made me feel alive when I felt dead inside from doing unfulfilling, uninspiring work.
 
The less alive I felt, the stronger my desire was for quick hits of intense food. When I flatlined, sugar was my lifeline.
 
A Symbolic Substitute
For many of us, sugar is a symbolic substitute for fulfillment and freedom. For others, it’s salty snacks, fatty foods, booze or pot. These things take us to a place where we can forget--albeit temporary--about the dissatisfaction and discomfort in our lives. We use them to leave ourselves when life gets hard.
 
It’s not that these things are necessarily bad, or that we’re bad people for consuming them, or that they shouldn’t be a source of pleasure. Challenges arise when we rely on them to fulfill a need they were never ever meant to fill.
 
If this sounds all too familiar, what steps--big and small--can you take to feel more alive in your day-to-day existence?
 
How can you infuse more vitality into the realms of your life that feel lackluster and lifeless, whether it’s work, relationships, intimacy, physical movement, spirituality, personal growth, creativity, etc.?
 
Take a minute to write down all the things that make you feel more alive. Don’t hold back. 
 
A few items on my list include: aligning my passions and values with my career, running at sunrise, re-centering at yoga, challenging my body with a new workout, walking with a friend, reading a captivating book, learning new ideas, hiking along the coast, planning trips, exploring foreign lands, losing myself in a creative project, helping others, and connecting with my coaching clients.
 
What makes you come alive?
 
Remember, food can fill you up, but it can’t fulfill you.