My Food Police Spoiled My Vacations

Many years ago, my boyfriend and I were walking down a quiet cobblestone street in a small Turkish town when we encountered the most delicious aroma. Upon investigation, we discovered it was coming from a small, nondescript bakery on the side of the road.

We poked our heads in and were intrigued by a tray on the counter piled high with flakey, coiled pastries sprinkled with sesame seeds. We had no idea what they were and didn’t speak Turkish but eagerly bought one.

Back on the street, we tore into the roll. It was slightly sweet, crispy on the outside, and soft and tender on the inside.

Its flavor was unlike anything we’d ever tasted before. It took a minute to figure out the star ingredient was tahini and only seconds to decide we wanted more.

With our sticky fingers, we turned right back around, reentered the bakery and purchased more of those glorious rolls.

Momentarily Pleasurable
Unfortunately, this moment of pure pleasure didn’t last long.

It was quickly spoiled by my inner Food Police, the voice in my head that was always trying to make me feel bad, guilty and ashamed about my eating.

This critical, punitive voice berated me for eating something so caloric. It calculated all the miles I would need to run to make up for it. It told me it would be a good idea to skip dinner.

It made me feel remorseful, irritable and distracted.

All this relentless noise in my head turned me into a cranky travel companion and prevented me, and sadly my boyfriend, too, from fully enjoying the rest of our day.

Post-Vacation Compensation
My pastry experience was not unique. It happened over and over again on that vacation and many others with any food I considered bad, fattening or unhealthy.

Despite giving myself a “free pass” to eat whatever I wanted while traveling (WTH, I’m on vacation!), thanks to my dieting mindset, my eating was never truly free.

There was always a sense that I would have to pay for it, that I would need to undo the “damage” I had caused when I got home by restricting my eating and ramping up my exercise.

It’s understandable that I thought this way. Perhaps you have, too.

Diet culture with its anti-fat underpinning has normalized the belief that any sort of food “indulgence” needs to be compensated for with a diet, detox, cleanse, fast, workout, etc.

Just think about how many times you or your vacation companions have said something like “I’ll need to make up for all this eating when I get home!” or “My diet starts the day I return!” or “I’m cutting out carbs the minute I’m back!”

Because comments like these are so common and relatable thanks to our pervasive diet culture, most people will laugh, nod their heads in agreement and respond with a “Me too!” or “I hear ya!”

Guilt-Free Vacation Eating
What if it didn’t have to be this way? What if your vacation wasn’t tainted by worries about what you ate and how you’re going to make up for it? What if you could enjoy whatever you wanted and just move on?

Part of the process of making peace with food includes challenging your diet mentality and anti-fat bias, firing your inner Food Police, and truly giving yourself unconditional permission to eat—not just while you’re on vacation but every day of the year.

I absolutely love trying local foods when I travel. Doing so became so much more pleasurable once I healed my relationship with food and began eating with guilt-free gusto. It makes me wish I could go back to that bakery and do it all over.

I Agonized Over Every Food Decision

Recently, I was reflecting on a cough drop conundrum I experienced many years ago.

I had a nasty cold and was kneeling on the floor of my neighborhood pharmacy analyzing the back of the cough drop packages to determine which one had the highest-quality ingredients and lowest amount of sugar. 

Despite it being a holistic pharmacy, none of their cough drops perfectly met my criteria so I dragged myself a few blocks uphill to check out the offerings at a more mainstream pharmacy. Unsurprisingly, they didn’t have what I wanted either.

I wasted hours that day going to multiple stores in search of the “healthiest” cough drops—time that would have been far better spent resting in bed.

Hyper-Fixated on Quality
When I was entrenched in diet and wellness cultures, not only was I obsessed with the number of calories I ate, I was also hyper-fixated on the quality of the food I consumed.

While I had long been interested in healthy eating, it wasn't until I began training to become a health coach that my interest in healthy eating escalated to a point where I agonized over the purity of nearly every single morsel I put in my mouth.

Agonized Over Every Decision
My cough drop incident stands out to me as it epitomizes how extreme my behavior had become.

At the time, however, I couldn’t see it. 

Preoccupied with eating perfectly, I couldn’t see how disordered my relationship with food was and how it was impacting my overall wellbeing, including how overwhelmed I was by everyday decisions. 

Should I buy the local cow-milk yogurt or the mass-produced soy yogurt? 

Should I get the expensive gluten-free bread from the freezer section or the cheaper whole-wheat bread fresh from the bakery in town? 

Should I go for the wilting bunch of locally grown kale or the perkier kale that was packaged in a plastic bag and shipped from another country?

From green juices and protein bars to hummus and spaghetti sauce, I’d take so much time scrutinizing every label and sweating every detail that my boyfriend refused to go shopping with me. 

More Rules and Restrictions
My obsession with eating clean and maintaining my reputation as a healthy eater added another layer of rules and restrictions on top of the already long list of food rules I followed in an attempt to shrink my body. 

I’d snub my nose at salmon that wasn’t wild, apples that weren't farm fresh, and tomatoes that were out of season.

If an almond butter had added oils or sugar, it stayed on the shelf. I wouldn’t touch strawberries that weren’t organic. I turned my back on anything made with refined flour.

Most regrettably, I shunned family favorites and food traditions if they contained “bad” ingredients.

Harming My Health
While I didn’t know it at the time, I was struggling with orthorexia—an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating.

I believed my high standards and food rules were improving my wellbeing when they were actually harming my physical, mental, emotional and social health. 

Naturally, my rigid rules turned me into a rigid person.

As more and more foods became demonized and off-limits, eating in an environment where I wouldn’t have control of my options became extremely difficult. 

I feared going to restaurants and dinner parties. Work lunches, happy hours, birthday celebrations and wedding receptions caused me anxiety. Traveling to new locales became stressful. 

I was no longer the flexible, spontaneous and carefree eater I used to be.

Instead, I was wasting an inordinate amount of time, energy, money and headspace doing what our diet and wellness cultures told me was the healthy, correct thing to do.

Healthy Relationship with Food
Thankfully, with the help of some wise guides, I was finally able to see how disordered my relationship with food had become. 

I came to understand that healthy eating, first and foremost, means having a healthy relationship with food.

To me, that means one that’s easygoing, flexible, balanced, satisfying, peaceful and intuitive.

Of course, while I no longer have food rules, I still have some food preferences.

However, I no longer stress out or feel guilty if I’m unable to eat exactly what I want. I just eat and move on. 

And, wow, has this made my eating—and my life—so much easier and so much more enjoyable.

If you relate to any of my story, I encourage you to seek support from a anti-diet, weight-neutral practitioner, whether it’s a therapist, nutritionist, coach or counselor. I'm here for you if need me.

4 Gifts to Give Yourself this Holiday Season

If you’re desiring a more peaceful relationship with food and your body, here are four gifts to consider giving yourself this holiday season.

1/ Silence Your Food Grinch
Silence the Grinch (a.k.a. the Food Police) in your head that says you're being bad for enjoying all the yummy holiday fare.

Unless you stole the food or harmed someone to get it, there is absolutely no reason to feel bad, guilty or ashamed about your food choices.

You also never have to earn the right to eat anything or make up for your eating.

(For more holiday Intuitive Eating tips, click here.)

2/ Ditch Diet Culture Content
To help you move away from diet culture and the diet mentality—and stop spending so much time, energy and headspace thinking about food and your body—ditch any content regarding dieting, food restrictions, good and bad foods, weight loss, the thin ideal, fitspo and so on.

Do an audit of all the content you engage with including social media, videos, TV shows, podcasts, apps, websites, blogs, newsletters, magazines, books, cookbooks, etc.

Consider replacing this content with more supportive resources in areas such as Intuitive Eating, Health at Every Size, body liberation and size diversity.

3/ Toss Your Scale
It’s so easy to let the number on your scale define you, to dictate how you feel about yourself and determine how you go about your day.

By tossing (or donating) your scale, you're reclaiming your power from a piece of junk that’s completely incapable of measuring your innate worth and overall wellbeing.

If you’re not quite ready to get rid of your scale, put it in an inconvenient spot, like the back of your closet or a high shelf in your garage.

4/ Skip the Dieting Bandwagon
Resolve to not jump on the dieting bandwagon come January. And when I say dieting, I mean any eating, lifestyle or wellness plan with a bunch of food rules and eating restrictions.

Diets erode your ability to trust your body and your instincts, and negatively impact your physical and psychological wellbeing. Plus, they suck all the joy out of eating and living. 

If you are tempted to go on a diet, which is completely understandable given the world we live in, I encourage you to learn about the potential negative side effects—everything the diet companies don’t warn you about—so you can make an informed decision. If you have a history of dieting, you’re likely quite familiar with these outcomes.

Beyond the Holidays
If you want help getting off the dieting roller coaster and giving yourself the gift of a more peaceful relationship with food and your body that lasts well beyond the holidays, I'm here for you.