Do You Suck It In?

Growing up, my summers were spent at the neighborhood pool. I have very fond memories of playing Marco Polo with my pals, perfecting my swan dive, and snacking on frozen candy bars and sour taffy. 

I also have a very vivid memory of one of my girlfriends. I’ll call her Kim. She was about 13 years old at the time. To this day, I can still see Kim walking down the diving board and around the pool deck in her magenta one-piece swimsuit sucking in her stomach like crazy. 

I was struck by Kim’s vigilance and unwavering determination to reveal nothing but a perfectly flat stomach. We never talked about it, but I could sense how strongly she felt her body wasn’t acceptable unless she shape shifted it to fit a cultural ideal. 

Protection From Rejection
Of course, I can totally relate to Kim's actions. Maybe you can, too. 

There have been many times over the years that I either intentionally or subconsciously walked around chronically sucking in my stomach. I felt it was critical to hide this protruding part of myself that I feared others would find unattractive and label as a sign of weakness, ultimately leading them to reject me. 

Deeply ingrained, I still sometimes catch myself resorting to this tactic when feeling vulnerable. Unlike my butt or thighs, I can instantly suck in my gut. By controlling the size of my stomach, I mistakenly believe I can control a world full of uncertainty, including how others perceive me and the degree to which they admire, accept and love me.

Liberate Yourself
Should you pull on a swimsuit this holiday weekend, you may find yourself also getting pulled into the false stories about what the size of your belly (or butt, thighs, arms, etc.) says about you. Such toxic thoughts can trap you in a negative mindset that drives you to relentlessly beat yourself up for not having the "perfect" body while missing out on all the fun.   

Consider the irony of celebrating living in the land of the free while simultaneously living in a self-imposed prison! 

Instead, what if you used Independence Day as a life-changing opportunity to liberate yourself from the conditioning and beliefs that are no longer serving you? 

It takes courage and commitment to change your relationship with your body, to accept and love yourself even when you don't always like what you see in the mirror, to let go of what you think others are thinking of you, to let it all hang out. But, in the words of one of my beloved healers and authors, Mary O’Malley…

"Nothing less than freedom comes when you can let go of being somebody that needs to be different in order to be okay." 

Curiosity Killed the Craving (and the Bingeing)

I used to binge on cookies.

Giant peanut-butter chocolate-chunk cookies. 

Each binge was followed by relentless self-attack and self-loathing...feelings of guilt, shame and weakness....and, of course, promises to never ever do it again.

Yet, somehow, despite my best intentions, I’d find myself right back in the same place days later. Standing in my kitchen in the dark shoving cookies in my mouth. Crumbs scattered on my shirt. Chocolate smeared across my face. Belly beyond stuffed.

I haven’t binged like that in years. 

I no longer experience such intense cravings.

It’s not because I have tremendous willpower.

It’s because instead of beating myself up, I became curious.

Instead of shouting at myself, “You have no self-control, you suck!,” I started gently asking myself, “Hey, what’s this all about? What’s going on here?”

By pausing and becoming compassionately curious, I was able to cultivate greater awareness for why I was doing what I was doing. 

Stillness coupled with expanded awareness is far more powerful than willpower. 

Often, before we can say "no," we have to understand why we say "yes." Every action has a positive intention and every action is to fulfill a need. 

When I finally understood what was driving my compulsion—a rigid diet, false persona, pleasure deficiency—and the deeper needs I was trying to meet, my binge eating ended. 

I stopped focusing on keeping sweets out of reach and started focusing on fulfilling my unmet needs and desires. When I quit depriving myself of food and the life I longed for, I no longer relied on cookies to give me something they were never meant to.

How can you bring more compassionate curiosity to your relationship with food?

Bye Bye TV, Gossiping and Body Bashing

Are you a lover of learning? 

I am. 

My curious mind and insatiable appetite for knowledge coupled with my deep desire to support my clients in living the best life possible means I’m constantly absorbing new information and learning fresh ways to help others thrive. 

Most recently, I embarked on a yearlong journey to obtain my certification in positive psychology, the scientific study of individual and societal happiness and flourishing. 

As a part of my training, I flew to the East Coast for a weeklong immersion in March. While killing time at an airport bookstore, I spent a few moments scanning the covers of women and men's magazines (e.g., fashion, fitness, health, etc.). I was quite disturbed and saddened by what I saw. 

The extreme exploitation and objectification of women reminded me of why I stopped reading these magazines (along with celebrity pubs) years ago. I don't like their negative messaging—mainly that a woman’s value lies in her youth, beauty, body shape and sexuality. Nor do I like the feelings of inadequacy and deficiency they are designed to provoke. I don't want to waste my time and pollute my mind with them.

Bye Bye TV, Gossiping and Body Bashing
I’ve made other changes over the years to diminish the negativity in my life so that I can preserve my energy for more fulfilling, positive pursuits. For example:

• I limited my news exposure (research has found that people who frequently tune into the news have higher levels of stress, anxiety, fear and pain)
   

• I discontinued watching TV, with the exception of an occasional program that is super inspiring and/or informative, like Oprah's Super Soul Sunday or a PBS documentary
   

• I stopped viewing violent movies 
   

• I greatly reduced my complaining, gossiping and judging 
   

• I quit speaking negatively about my body to others and myself 

Of course, some of these changes were easier than others. I’d much rather read a good book than watch TV. And some were more challenging, like no longer criticizing my body.

As a result of ridding these toxins from my world, I feel incredibly lighter and more balanced, relaxed, peaceful and joyful. And, well, much more positive.

How Does Negativity Contaminate Your Life?
Take a moment to do this quick negativity inventory:

• What sources of negativity contaminate your life?
   

• How are they impacting your health and wellbeing?
   

• What steps can you take to remove or reduce them?
   

• Which one can you start addressing immediately?
   

• How will you feel when you decrease your toxic load?

I've also taken numerous actions to boost the positivity in my life, like keeping a daily gratitude journal. We'll dive deeper into positivity boosters another time.