I Don’t Want to Pass Dieting On to My Kids

Can you relate to Sandra's story?

For as long as she can remember, Sandra's mom has meticulously counted calories and carefully weighed almost everything she eats.

When her aunts visit her parent's house, the conversation is often centered on who is doing what diet and how it’s going, together celebrating their wins and commiserating over their struggles.

Their own mother, Sandra's grandma, is a very restrictive eater and frequently comments on family members’ weight and polices everyone's eating.

Sandra's dad also has a fraught relationship with food. Over the years, he’s swung numerous times from eating everything to restricting something, whether it’s fat, carbs or the hours he’s allowed to eat.

At the age of 11, Sandra's mom took her to her first weight-loss meeting.

Although she felt a little weird being the only kid in the room, she also felt inspired by the success stories the women in the circle shared, especially when everyone cheered and clapped.

It felt good to be a part of their club and to be doing something to fix her apparently problematic body.

Ending the Legacy
Stepping into that weight-loss clinic as a young girl launched Sandra on the dieting rollercoaster. Since then, she’s tried every diet under the sun. After more than 20 years of yo-yo dieting, she’s hit rock bottom.

Even though she doesn’t like her body, she can’t stand the thought of going on one more diet. More than anything, she can’t stand the thought of passing her family’s legacy of body shame and dieting on to her kids.

Many of my clients who are thinking about starting a family or already have kids express their desire to protect their children from our harmful diet culture. They don’t want them to suffer the way they have.

This is also true for many of my clients who don’t have children but have kids in their life, whether it’s their nieces, nephews, friends’ kids, students or team members.

And it’s true for my clients who didn’t grow up in a family entrenched in diet culture yet didn't escape its pervasive clutches and are deeply motivated by the idea of not handing down their food and body challenges.

I get really excited when my clients share this desire with me because I know the positive ripple effect that can occur when just one person heals their relationship with food and their body, how doing so can put an end to a history of disordered eating and anti-fat bias.

What Kind of Role Model?
For my clients with this goal, we spend time exploring what type of role model they want to be when it comes to food and bodies.

We talk about how they can reclaim their ability to eat intuitively while helping the kids in their life maintain their ability to do so.

Then we do the challenging yet rewarding work that’s required to recover from diet culture and build a peaceful relationship with food and their body, one that they’re excited to pass along.

What to Do When Someone Polices Your Eating

Do you ever feel like you’re being patrolled by the food police, whether it’s a family member, partner, friend, co-worker or even a stranger?

Food policing sounds something like:

• Should you really be eating that?

• Gosh, you're eating again?

• Do you really need more?

• You sure can put it away!

• Don’t you know how bad that is for you?

• Wow! You must really be hungry!

• Once on your lips, forever on your hips.

• Are you really going to eat all of that?

• Looks like you'll need to hit the gym tomorrow.

• I can't believe you're eating that!

• Someone's being naughty!
  

If you’ve ever been the victim of food policing, you know it’s never helpful. More often than not, it leaves you feeling humiliated, guilty, ashamed, angry, resentful or rebellious—or all of the above!

Regardless of the food cop’s intentions, you have the right to eat whatever you want—whenever, wherever and however you want it—without having someone negatively comment on, criticize, judge or question your choices.

Set Firm Boundaries
When the food police show up, it’s important to stand up for yourself by setting and protecting your boundaries. How you do so will naturally depend on the situation, however, here are some responses to consider.

• I know you mean well, but your comments are not helpful.

• What I eat is truly none of your business.

• I trust myself to give my body what it needs.

• I trust my body to tell me what it needs.

• Please don’t make comments about my eating.

• Yes, I am going to eat it and I won’t stand for being shamed about it.

• Who hired you to police my eating? Please don't do it again.

• You mind your own plate and I'll mind mine.

• You’re out of line. It’s absolutely not okay to criticize my food choices.

• Yes, I am going to eat this, and I'm going to savor every. single. bite.

• I’m completely capable of making my own food decisions; there’s absolutely no need for you to get involved.

• How I’m eating works for me!

• Say nothing, blow the food cop a kiss, then walk away to enjoy your food in peace.
  

Guilty of Food Policing?
Perhaps you’re guilty of policing other people’s food choices. I'm sorry to say I’ve done it myself in the past, especially during my orthorexic days, and have worked hard to change my ways.

Not only is it important to set your own boundaries, it’s equally important to respect other people’s boundaries, too.

If you catch yourself stepping into the role of the food police, hit the brakes. Should a comment slip out, immediately apologize.

Remembering how it feels to be on the receiving end of an unsolicited negative food comment will help you think twice before you open your mouth.

Your Internal Food Police
In addition to external food police, many of us struggle with internal food police.

These are the voices in your head that try to enforce food moralism and the unreasonable rules our diet and wellness cultures have created. They make you feel bad, guilty and ashamed about your eating.

If you desire a peaceful relationship with food, you must fire your internal food police by challenging your food rules and removing any moralism and judgment surrounding food. Doing so is a critical step toward reclaiming the Intuitive Eater within you.

How to Stop Feeling Guilty About Your Eating

Does your eating often make you feel guilty?

When you feel guilty about your eating, it’s likely a sign you have a “food rule” you’d benefit from challenging.

A food rule is a belief regarding what is or isn’t allowed when it comes to your eating. Here are some common ones:

• No eating after 7 p.m.

• I can only eat a set number of macros, calories or points a day.

• No snacking between meals.

• High-carb foods are off-limits (e.g., greens are good; bread and pasta are bad).

• Every meal must contain a certain number of protein grams.

• I’m allowed one cheat day a week.

• Foods made with white flour, added sugars, etc. are forbidden.

• If it’s not organic, I can’t eat it.

• Gluten is a no-no (even though I don’t have celiac disease or a gluten intolerance).

• I shouldn’t eat if I’m not hungry.

• Sugary drinks, processed foods and fast food are prohibited.

• Sweets can only be eaten on the weekend.

• No seconds.

Naturally, when you follow your rules, you likely feel proud, successful and good about yourself.

When you don’t adhere to your rules, you likely feel guilty, like a failure and bad about yourself. Breaking your rules may also trigger feelings of shame, stress, anxiety, fear, frustration, disappointment, anger and hopelessness.


Well-Intentioned, Often Problematic
Although often well-intentioned, there are many problems with food rules. For example, they…

• Disregard your body’s wisdom and needs, including its internal cues of hunger, fullness and satisfaction.

• Dictate your food choices regardless of how your body feels.

• Dismiss your food preferences and desires.

• Generate feelings of deprivation, which often results in obsessive food thoughts, intense cravings and frequent overeating.

• Provoke a make-up mentality (e.g., I must compensate for eating dessert by skipping breakfast or exercising longer tomorrow).

• Inject unwarranted morality into your relationship with food (e.g., I'm good if I eat this, bad if I eat that).

• Cultivate a mistrustful relationship with yourself, your body and food.

• Lead to secret eating, social anxiety and isolation (e.g., I’ll be too tempted to eat bad foods at the party; it’s safer to just stay home.).

• Prevent you from being flexible, relaxed and spontaneous in different eating environments and having fun with food.

• Decrease self-esteem and self-confidence.

• Consume headspace, time and energy that could be devoted to more fulfilling, meaningful, productive and pleasurable things.

Challenge Your Rules
If you want to stop experiencing all the unnecessary guilt and suffering your food rules cause, I encourage you to identify and challenge them, including examining how they impact you and your life.

With a curious, nonjudgmental mind, ask yourself:

Where did this rule come from? Is it helpful or harmful? Is it based on my own internal experience or an external source (e.g., diet or wellness culture)? Is it truly honoring, respecting and being kind to my body? Is it reasonable, sustainable, pleasurable and satisfying? Is it flexible enough for my life? Is it preventing me from having a peaceful relationship with food and living my life fully?


Follow the Clues
Some of your rules may be top of mind and others may be buried deeper, like lingering rules from past diets or your childhood home you aren’t aware you’re still adhering to.

If you’re unsure if you have food rules, pay attention to “should” or “shouldn’t” thoughts and feelings like guilt, shame, stress and anxiety that arise from your eating. These clues will point you toward your rules.

If you have trouble identifying or releasing your food rules, yet know you would benefit from doing so, consider getting support from an Intuitive Eating-informed practitioner.

Despite what our diet culture wants you to believe, you and your body can be trusted. You absolutely have the innate capacity to nourish yourself without following food rules or feeling any guilt.