My Unhealthy Obsession with Healthy Eating

The other day, I went to the grocery store to buy cough drops.

I scanned the packages looking for a flavor that sounded appealing.

In less than a minute, I grabbed the honey cherry drops and headed to the cashier hopeful the lozenges would soon soothe my aching throat and nagging cough.

Reflecting on this quick, easy transaction, I was struck once again by how much my relationship with food has changed.

Hyper-Fixated on Quality
Years ago, when I was entrenched in diet and wellness culture, not only was I obsessed with the number of calories I ate, I was also hyper-fixated on the quality of the food I consumed.

While I had long been interested in healthy eating, it wasn't until I began training to become a health coach that my interest in healthy eating escalated to a point where I agonized over the purity of nearly every single morsel I put in my mouth.

I can vividly remember once when I had a cold kneeling on the floor of my local pharmacy analyzing the back of the cough drop packages to determine which one had the highest-quality ingredients and lowest amount of sugar.

I wasted hours going to multiple neighborhood drug stores that day in search of the “healthiest” cough drops—time that would have been far better spent resting in bed.

Agonized Over Every Decision
My cough drop incident stands out to me as it epitomizes how extreme my behavior had become.

At the time, however, I couldn’t see it.

Preoccupied with eating perfectly, I couldn’t see how disordered my relationship with food was and how this was impacting my overall wellbeing, including how overwhelmed I was by everyday decisions.

Should I buy the local cow-milk yogurt or the mass-produced soy yogurt?

Should I get the expensive gluten-free bread from the freezer section or the cheaper whole-wheat bread fresh from the bakery in town?

Should I go for the wilting bunch of locally grown kale or the perkier kale that was packaged in a plastic bag and shipped from another country?

From green juices and protein bars to hummus and spaghetti sauce, I’d take so much time scrutinizing every label and sweating every detail that my boyfriend refused to keep shopping with me.  

More Rules and Restrictions
My obsession with eating clean and maintaining my reputation as a healthy eater added another layer of rules and restrictions on top of the already long list of food rules I followed in attempt to shrink my body.

I’d snub my nose at salmon that wasn’t wild, apples that weren't farm fresh, and tomatoes that were out of season.

If an almond butter had added oils or sugar, it stayed on the shelf. I wouldn’t touch strawberries that weren’t organic. I turned my back on anything made with refined flour.

Most regrettably, I shunned family favorites and food traditions if they contained “bad” ingredients.

Harming My Health
While I didn’t know it at the time, I was struggling with orthorexia—an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating.

I believed my high standards and food moralism were improving my wellbeing when they were actually harming my physical, mental, emotional and social health. 

Naturally, my rigid rules turned me into a rigid person.

As more and more foods became demonized and off-limits, eating in an environment where I wouldn’t have control of my options became extremely difficult.

I feared going to restaurants and dinner parties. Work lunches, happy hours, birthday celebrations and wedding receptions caused me anxiety. Traveling to new locales became stressful.

I was no longer the flexible, spontaneous and carefree eater I used to be.

Instead, I was wasting an inordinate amount of time, energy, money and headspace doing what our diet and wellness culture had told me was the healthy, correct thing to do.

Healthy Relationship with Food
Thankfully, with the help of some wise guides, I was finally able to see how disordered my relationship with food had become.

I came to understand that healthy eating, first and foremost, means having a healthy relationship with food.

To me, that means one that’s peaceful, relaxed, flexible, satisfying, trusting and intuitive.

Of course, while I no longer have food rules, I still have some food preferences.

However, I no longer stress out or feel guilty if I’m unable to eat exactly what I want. I just eat and move on.

And, wow, has this made my eating—and my life—so much easier and so much more enjoyable.

If you relate to any of my story, I encourage you to see support from a non-diet, weight-neutral practitioner, whether it’s a therapist, nutritionist, coach or counselor. I’m here for you if need me.

I Finished Off the Cake to Save Myself from Eating Badly Tomorrow

I stared at the remaining chocolate cake on the plate.

Although I was full and no longer getting much pleasure from it, I finished it off.

My rationale for doing so was basically:

Let me just get this over with so I can go back to being good tomorrow.

Have you ever had an experience like this, dear reader?

I used to do it all the time with all kinds of foods I considered “bad,” from cake, cookies and chips to pizza, pastries and ice cream.

In my mind, if I got rid of the “bad” food by eating it (throwing it away felt wasteful), then I’d have a better chance of getting back on track the next day.

Calmed My Anxiety
Driven by a deeply entrenched diet mentality, every night I would judge my day of eating as either good or bad.

Knowing a “bad” food wouldn’t be in my house to tempt me tomorrow helped calm my anxiety about having another bad day of eating, especially if I felt I had been on a streak of bad eating days.

It felt reassuring to know I would be able to go to bed tomorrow and feel good about my eating and, ultimately, myself.

Finishing off food for this reason was never an enjoyable eating experience.

Rather, it was my way of saving my future self from negative feelings about myself.

Although I couldn’t see it then, this “looking out for myself” was actually a form of self-protection. I was simply trying to take care of myself.

Eat and Move On
My need to polish off a food so I could start fresh the next day diminished when I challenged my diet mentality and stopped labeling food and my eating as good or bad.

By making all foods morally and emotionally equivalent, I no longer feel compelled to eat something just to get rid of it so I can feel more in control and better about myself the next day.

It’s now easy to wrap up whatever’s remaining to enjoy later because I stopped putting conditions on my eating and don’t feel guilty about eating anything at any time.

This doesn’t mean I never finish something off and reach a point of uncomfortable fullness. I absolutely do!

Sometimes, I’ll make a conscious decision to eat all of the cake or the pizza or the ice cream even though I’m full simply because I’m really enjoying it—not because I’m scared of it.

My intentions have changed and my eating is no longer a big deal. Now, I just eat and move on.

If my “eat it all now to get rid of it” story sounds all too familiar, please know it is possible for you to have a more relaxed, neutral and peaceful relationship with food, too.

I don't have any magical powers. If I can do it, so can you.

Today, I’m Getting Back on Track!

Today, I’m getting back on track!

How many Mondays have you said this to yourself?

How many times have you started your week with promises to eat better, eat less, eat clean, eat perfectly?

If this sounds familiar, you’re so not alone. It used to be my weekly pattern.

On Sunday nights, I would lie in bed regretting how badly I felt I had eaten all weekend.

To quiet my inner food police and alleviate the guilt, shame and anxiety I felt, I’d promise myself that, starting tomorrow, things would be different.

Full of Hope
I’d wake up Monday feeling excited and hopeful about getting my act together.

Often, I’d be “good” and feel in control for the first few days of the week.

By Thursday night, however, things would start to fall apart. My discipline and willpower would begin to diminish.

I’d find myself obsessing about food, giving into my cravings, breaking my food rules, and reuniting with all the “bad” foods I declared off-limits on Monday.

I’d try to fight it for a while, but eventually, I’d just throw my hands in the air exclaiming, “What the hell; I might as well just go for it because come Monday, I’m never letting myself do this again!”

Endless Cycle
Every weekend became a Last Supper.

It was an endless, exhausting cycle.

When I finally hit rock bottom and realized how damaging my diet mentality was, I began taking steps toward healing my relationship with food and my body.

This included breaking up with diet culture, ditching my diet mentality and food rules, and learning how to trust my body and eat intuitively again.

Of course, this didn’t happen overnight.

Intuitive Eating is not a quick fix. It is, however, a pathway to freedom.

Since there are no rules and no illegal foods, there's no possibility of being bad, failing the plan and getting thrown in dieting jail.

No Wagon
Now, Mondays are just another day for me.

The idea of “getting back on track” doesn’t enter my mind on the first day—or any day—of the week.

I always tell my clients you can’t fall off the wagon with Intuitive Eating because there is no wagon!

Not Your Fault
Engaging in the “I’m getting back on track” mindset is nothing to feel bad or ashamed about.

It’s a practice we learn from our $72 billion diet industry—a pervasive, insidious and oppressive industry that profits from you feeling crappy about your eating and your body.

The good news is: you have a choice. You can keep hopping on and off the wagon. Or you can ditch the wagon all together.