She Can Eat Whatever She Wants; I Gain Weight Just Looking at Cake

Do you often find yourself sinking into compare-and-despair mode?

In the realm of food and body, it sounds something like this:

• It’s so unfair that she can eat whatever she wants and not gain a pound. I gain weight just looking at cake.
• I’ll never look that good in a swimsuit; her stomach is way flatter than mine.
• Why can’t I have as much willpower as she does when it comes to sugar?
• Everyone in my yoga class is so fit and toned; I’m embarrassed of my flabby body.
• It’s so easy for him to lose weight. Why does it have to be so hard for me?

While it’s human nature to compare yourself to other people, the comparison game usually backfires. When your comparison puts you on the losing end, it often leads to feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, isolation, jealousy, desperation, despair and depression.

Quite simply, comparison is the death of joy.

Comparing yourself to others is a disempowering, futile act that results in unnecessary stress, struggle and suffering. However, rather than judge yourself for falling into the comparison trap (you are human, after all!), you can stop yourself from continually going down this path of self-attack.

Here’s one of my top strategies for ending compare and despair:

Start a gratitude journal.

Every day, write down a handful of things you’re grateful for—big and small. Be sure to include things you appreciate about your body.

For example, recent body-related entries in my gratitude journal included:

• My heart for beating all on its own.
• My eyes for allowing me to witness the magnificent sunrise.
• My strong legs for taking me on a gorgeous coastal hike.
• My arms for enabling me to hug my loved ones.
• My tongue for tasting the delicious dinner I made tonight.

By taking time to reflect on and appreciate all that’s good in your life—including what you cherish about your body—you’ll boost your positivity, improve your body image, elevate your overall well-being, and be much less inclined to compare yourself to others.

This certainly has been the case for me, and for my clients. But don’t just take my word for it—try it out for a few months and see for yourself.

This Crushed My Dream of Becoming a Solid Gold Dancer...

In my tween years, I loved to watch Solid Gold. I’d leap around my family room mimicking the dancers’ provocative moves. I fantasized about becoming one of them, until…

…I heard that Solid Gold dancers couldn’t weigh more than 100 pounds.

I don’t recall where this rumor came from, but I’ll never forget it. It crushed my dream and instilled in me the belief that to be a hot, sexy female, I needed to keep the scale from tipping past 100 pounds. With a naturally pudgy belly, I had a feeling this would be tough for me.

Faulty Formulas
In my teenage years, I learned a new “formula” for calculating a woman’s ideal weight: 100 pounds for the first 5 feet of height, and then an additional 5 pounds for every inch over 5 feet.

At 5’ 5”, this meant that if I weighed more than 125 pounds, I would be considered overweight.

I’m pretty amazed at how deeply ingrained in my brain this calculation became. And how much unnecessary suffering it caused me. And I’m not alone. Many other women often recite this same formula when I ask them how they determine how much they should weigh.

It’s sad that so many of us bought into such a simplistic formula that doesn’t take into consideration so many key factors, such as genetics, race, age, bone density, muscle-fat ratio and your state of health.

Just because someone is thin, it doesn’t mean they are healthy. When I was at my lowest weight and living on dry toast and fruit (while bingeing on cookies), I was anything but healthy.

Don’t even get me started on the BMI.

Finding Your Natural Weight
No formula or person can or should dictate your weight. Healthy, beautiful bodies come in all shapes and sizes and all bodies deserve to be treated with respect, dignity and care.

I no longer rely on an external tool, formula or myth that discounts the incredible uniqueness of my body to tell me what I should weigh. 

Instead, I’ve discovered that by trusting my innate body wisdom, including honoring its needs and desires for food, rest, movement and more, my body will settle at its natural weight—one that I can maintain without struggle, deprivation, rigid rules or hypervigilance.

I will never meet the rumored criteria for becoming a Solid Gold dancer or our society’s standards for the perfect body, but that’s okay. I’d rather love, accept and care for the body I’ve been blessed with than waste one more minute trying to shape shift it into something it was never meant to be.

I wish the same for you.

Why I Lived on an Apple and Candy Bar a Day

St. Patrick's Day always stirs up a poignant memory. 

When I was 12 years old, I spent hours in a department store with my mom desperately searching every rack for the perfect green shirt to wear to school on St. Patrick's Day. It was the night before and, with empty hands, I quickly spiraled into a state of distress. Without the perfect shirt, I was absolutely convinced my entire holiday would be ruined.

Funny thing is, I can't remember anything about the actual holiday. But my memory of how distraught I felt is crystal clear. At such a young age, I was completely hitching my happiness to my appearance. Over time, the perfect shirt turned into the perfect hair and, eventually, the perfect body. 

In junior high, if my hair didn't look just right, I spent the entire day in a funk. I remember pointing out to friends how awful it looked. It was critical that I acknowledged it first before they had a chance to say anything (the perfect strategy for protecting myself from my own imaginary ideas about what they were thinking!).

My Apple and Candy Bar Diet
My obsession with obtaining the perfect body escalated in high school. The most intense months were after my boyfriend broke up with me. I lived on an apple and candy bar a day. I figured if I was skinnier, he would regret dumping such a hot chick and come crawling back. Being skinny meant I would be more desirable, acceptable, lovable and cool--basically boyfriend-worthy and bulletproof.

My boyfriend did come back, but the size of my jeans didn't stop my heart from being broken again and again.

A 20-Ton Shield
My never-ending quest for perfection is defined so well by Brene Brown, researcher and author of The Gifts of Imperfection:

"Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfectly, look perfectly and act perfectly, we can avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame. It's a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from taking flight."

Body Bashing Banned
Thanks to help from a handful of wise teachers and coaches, I started releasing my deeply ingrained beliefs regarding perfectionism, especially when it comes to my body. No longer are my days consumed and ruined by my body bashing. No longer does all my energy and headspace go toward fixing it. Naturally I want a strong, healthy body but I no longer believe I will be more happy, lovable and worthy when I fit into my skinny jeans.

I've made peace with my reflection in the mirror. I won't lie; it wasn't easy. Not at first. But I kept at it. Whenever I caught myself going down the path of self-attack, I hit the breaks and turned toward love. As a result, I feel lighter on my feet and in my body, but more importantly, I feel lighter in my heart.

Is your quest for the perfect body, weight, diet, workout regime, relationship, job, or whatever stopping you from taking flight?