How I Stopped My Negative Body Talk

Many years ago, while getting dressed to go on a hike, I caught my reflection in the mirror and was, once again, unhappy with what I saw. My negative body talk was off and running, completely consuming my thoughts as I drove to one of my favorite trails.

My plan to enjoy a lovely day of hiking along the coast became tainted by the relentless voice in my head telling me that my body was a problem that needed to be fixed.

Completely Fed Up
While I had struggled with negative thoughts about my body for decades, this time I hit the tipping point.

I could not go on this way.

I was completely fed up with hating my body.

I was done wasting so much of my life at war with my body and decided, once and for all, to do something about it.

And for the first time ever, doing something didn’t mean changing my body. It meant changing my relationship with it.

No More Body Bashing
One of the first steps I took was changing my internal body talk.

When I stepped out of the shower, instead of dodging my reflection in the bathroom mirror and running for cover under a towel to avoid a distressing body-bashing session, I opened the shower curtain and faced my reflection head-on.

I practiced gazing at my body without ruthlessly picking it apart, without zooming in on my perceived flaws, without judging and agonizing over what I had been conditioned to believe was wrong.

Instead of thinking “My stomach is disgusting” or “I hate my thighs,” I simply thought “This is my body.”

I didn’t try to make the leap from body loathing to body love, from body negativity to body positivity. Nor did I force myself to say positive affirmations. There’s nothing wrong with any of these things; they just felt very inaccessible and insincere for where I was at.

Instead, I focused on what felt attainable. I aimed for a neutral place to land.

“This is my body” felt about as neutral as I could get.

I still often didn’t like what I saw in the mirror, but unconditional body acceptance wasn’t my initial goal. Ending my negative body talk—and the downward shame spiral it triggered—was.

By swapping negativity with neutrality, I no longer got swept away by my critical thoughts. I was able to stop focusing and fixating on my body and just move on with my day.

One of Many Steps
Of course, changing my body talk didn’t come quickly or easily. And it was just one of many challenging and necessary steps I needed to take to make peace with my body and embrace our inherent body diversity.

Certainly, divesting from diet culture and uprooting my anti-fat bias were absolutely essential, major steps.

And while I refer to all these actions as steps, they are really ongoing practices that enable me to be as resilient and inclusive as possible in a world that’s constantly lying to us about what our bodies are supposed to look like to be considered acceptable, healthy, worthy and valuable.

Neutralizing my internal body talk was a starting place for me. Perhaps it can be for you, too.

Please Don't Comment on My Weight

Years ago, when I was obsessed with losing weight, people frequently complimented my self-discipline and smaller body.

Although well-intentioned, what they didn’t realize was that their praise further fueled my disordered relationship with food and exercise.

It also intensified my fatphobia and reinforced the false belief that my “after” body was better than my “before” body.

When I regained the weight, people made comments to me about this, too.

Their remarks amplified the shame I felt about not being able to keep the weight off and made me want to hide from the world. They also triggered a desire to start undereating and overexercising again.

I didn’t know at the time that my experience was typical, that about 95 percent of dieters regain the weight they lose. Maybe if I had, I would have felt less shame and more self-compassion.

I also didn’t know that it’s inappropriate to comment on someone’s body without their consent. Doing so is so normalized in our culture, that I never stopped to question it, until I realized how harmful it can be.

How to Respond
Whether someone says "I'm concerned about your weight gain" or “You look great! Have you lost weight?” or “Wow, you’ve really packed on the pounds!” the main implications are that your weight is one of the most important things about you and that a smaller body is a better body, which, despite what our toxic diet culture wants us to believe, is completely untrue.

It’s often hard to know how to respond to comments like these. Following are a handful of responses to try out.

• Please don’t comment on my body without my consent.

• I don’t talk about anyone’s weight, including my own.

• My weight is the least interesting thing about me! Let’s talk about more interesting things.

• I feel uncomfortable talking about my weight. Would you be willing to not bring it up again?

• It’s not okay to comment on someone’s body size, including mine.

• Your comment is inappropriate. My body is nobody’s business.

• I don’t focus on my weight and would like you to do the same.

• Ew, it’s kinda creepy that you’re monitoring my body.

• My weight is not up for discussion, now or ever.

• Who made it your job to track my weight?

• Please don’t bring up my weight without my permission.

• I know you mean well, but your comments are unhelpful.

• (Shrug) It’s normal for bodies to change.

Do What's Best for You
Responding to weight comments can feel awkward and these replies may not roll off your tongue the first few times you use them. I still get tongue-tied sometimes.

I encourage you to experiment with them, modify them, or use them as a jumping off point for creating responses that best suit your needs.

In time, you will land on a few replies that work well for you. Of course, how you respond or if you respond at all will depend on the situation you’re in.

Unless you have the time, energy and desire to engage in a larger conversation about why weight comments are inappropriate and harmful, I suggest responding briefly then switching the topic. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or an education.

If you don’t feel up to saying anything or comfortable or safe doing so, shrugging, changing the subject or walking away might be the best path to take. Again, you don't owe anyone anything.

Lastly, it’s important to keep in mind that when someone comments on your weight, it says far more about them and their own internalized weight bias than it does about you and your body.